Wed 6 Jan
It has been a very long time since I've seen, or written, a piece of HTML that wasn't directly related to OC profiles. I kind of just lost my love for the craft until editing my character's information started to bring it back again. I don't know how long it will last, though. This is probably my dying message, but hey, I shall hear myself out
Something I find on my mind today is the sheer awkwardice I feel regarding my relatively lowkey success. Like, it's just funny. You would think that I would get used to and be thanful for being thrown compliments about my perceived talents so easily, but more than anything I just feel awkward. I guess it doesn't help that I'm generally nervous as **** and a total recluse, but something about uttering the words 'thank you' a couple of times a day is stupidly painful. Every time I get words of admiration I feel like I need to lay down for a couple of years.
And yet it's not like I don't think I deserve it — I have been selfish and bitter for many years when I DIDN'T get attention, and find myself constantly thinking of how and why I'm better than my peers subconciously (something I would like to stop, actually, but no matter how I try to rewire my mind I just cannot seem to do it) — so it's no issue with confidence. Of course you like the way I do this or that, of course you think I'm talented, that's because I am and we all know it. But it still doesn't stop interaction from being physically painful.
I guess, unlike most, I want to be seen — by many — but never heard.